I don’t find this world very forgiving, and I wonder why. It is quite easy to apply the rule of intent and be generous and kind in our thoughts towards others even as we are in our thoughts to our own self. But it does require a conscious choice. Perhaps our egos and need to be right (arrogance) get in the way. Sometimes we feel wronged, slighted, or offended because we have been wronged, at other times it is simply our perception of what has occurred. Either way, choosing to be kind and extend forgiveness to another is in our own best interest. A recent study found a connection between self-forgiveness and slower cognitive decline as we age! That’s one great reason to consider our approach to others when we feel wronged.
Forgiveness is an internal process that has very little to do with the other person. This process involves changing thoughts, emotions, feelings, and motivations from negative to neutral and perhaps even to positive. I am currently working with a client who has tried three times, over ten years, to reconcile with a sister after a series of blow ups that no doubt culminated due to years of perceived wrongs. My client recently said that this time, she was able to choose forgiveness regardless of the outcome because while she was seeking internal and external peace, she now realizes that she can only cultivate internal peace. If the other person chooses to join her in forgiveness then external peace could be achieved through reconciliation but this was not in her sphere of control.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing, and depending on what wrong has been done to us, reconciliation might not be healthy. However forgiveness will always produce healthy benefits for those who choose it.
Here is an approach to forgiveness that my client applied that might have value in your search for inner and outer peace:
- Invest the time to get clear about what the original offence was and what you want from the situation now. Sometimes this might be a singular offence, or it might be a life time of offences and the forgiveness is about who the person is rather than what they have done.
- Remember you might have wronged too. Consider if this is part of the matter at hand.
- Consider if you need to let go of your search for answers (understanding why or how someone could have done that to you is rarely productive or helpful).
- Invest time to determine whether you need or want to reconcile with the person.
- Consider what is it costing you to hold onto the anger, resentment, hatred, hurt and bitterness.
- Determine a way forward for yourself (noting this may or may not even involve the other person but if it does, consider how you would like to be approached when you have been in the wrong).
- Take time to identify if you need help in your healing journey and explore your options above everything, choose kindness for yourself and for others.